The last bad date

I met Johnny via an internet dating site. He is pleasant, a bit funny (not hilarious, but not a snore), and politically left-wing. A nice change, because a ton of the guys on this site are military, republican conservative types. I'm not that interested in having a political debate and some of the republicans take me on, so it's nice to know I won't be spending my time that way.

We exchange phone numbers and I tell him I'll call him. He doesn't wait for me to call and leaves me a message the next day, which is Sunday. We have a nice light-weight conversation while I work in the yard. He does most of the talking. Many of his stories have a similar theme, he is the nice guy wronged by some slightly wayward bohemian woman with non-traditional sexual mores. (I think many of these stories were about the same woman.) He says several times that he is just too nice, but it is necessary to be polite. He tells a story about meeting someone for a blind (internet) date who looked nothing like her picture and "just wanted to fuck him." He faked a phone call to get out of it. Now he knows how women feel. "Cheap," I said. He wonders how "we" put up with "them." He repeats parts of both of these stories on our date.

I mention that I am a big talker and he says, so now it's your turn. I say, "it doesn't work like that, you have to let things flow naturally and not to worry, I'm sure I will eventually have plenty to say." I've started to notice, though, that my stories are just a spur to get him started back in on his own stuff. It doesn't bother me; it's a nice change to do most of the listening. I do mention that if he wants to get me talking he should ask me questions, but he doesn't. Instead he says, "C'mon, talk. It's your turn now."

Johnny also asks, repeatedly, if I want to have coffee with him. I say I don't know, I'll think about it, but before we get off the phone, I agree. He calls me a couple more times and we make a plan to meet on Tuesday after work. He knows what I look like (I have photos on the web) and he recognizes me when I walk up to meet him at the coffee shop. He has a slightly relieved look. (I've been told I look better in person than in the photos.) He doesn't want to go in and suggests we have dinner instead. That's ok with me and we go across the street. He's a little nervous. He mentions several times that he's sweating (actually, he says, "shvitzing"--this is for my benefit, since he is not Jewish (I am) but he has claimed that many of his friends are Jewish and people think he is Jewish all the time). It turns out someone he knows is in the coffee shop and he doesn't want us to be interrupted, which seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Let me give you my impressions of him. First, on the phone he sounded young, even though I knew he was in his early 40s. He doesn't look bad, but he definitely looks his age, which I wasn't expecting. I don't find him attractive. He is my height or an inch or two taller and very thin. My gut feeling is that I'm not going to get interested in him. There are some things about him I like. He is brash and opinionated and I find that amusing, though they are qualities I don't necessarily want in a boyfriend. He is originally from another country and I have a very good friend with the same origins. Johnny reminds me a tiny bit of my friend. This is not a friend I could date, so it is not much of a recommendation.

We sit in the restaurant and Johnny talks nervously about how it's supposed to be a coffee date and don't I want to order coffee. He laughs.
I say, "I don't drink coffee in the evening."
"Yes, I know, me too. But it's a coffee date. Tea would be better."
I say, "Feel free to order coffee, but I'm not having any."
"No of course not, but it's supposed to be a coffee date. And no coffee."

I know this isn't a good sign, but I try to ignore it. I find my attention wandering. A very large party is assembling at a long table near us and I watch members of that group arrive and greet each other. I know my distraction could become rude so I try to pay attention to Johnny. I end up complaining about my neighbors, a sore spot for me over the last week or so. I say that I don't want to talk about it because I'll get upset. He keeps asking me questions (for the first and only time). Finally, I change the subject by asking him about his day.
"Oh, it was terrible. I don't want to talk about it. We were talking about you."
"Yes, but I changed the subject. What happened?"
He tells me a long, boring, vague story about having to take some of his higher-ups to lunch.

Dinner lasts about an hour. Afterwards, we walk around for a couple of minutes. Then he suggests we take a drive. From what he's told me, he likes to drive around aimlessly. I don't object since there doesn't seem to be anything else to do. I figure the conversation may be easier since we won't have to make eye contact. And, worse case, I'll get a ride home.

As we drive, I become more chatty. Curiously, I don't talk about myself, but share some stories about my friend Hannah's bad ex-boyfriend (sorry H!). Johnny draws completely the wrong impressions about Hannah from the stories, which is a little disturbing. I also start to notice that even when I do talk, Johnny doesn't seem to hear anything I say. He responds, but with his own story, which may or may not be relevant to what I'm saying and which may or may not have a similar moral or theme. He picks up on some superficial similarities and then goes down his own story path. It is tiresome and I start to get annoyed. I cease talking. There is a long period of silence. I ask him to start heading towards my place, which he does. Close to another hour has gone by, so the grand total of time on this date will be a little over two hours. Sort of a decent minimum and certainly more than enough to know that I don't want to see him again. I had originally thought that we could be friends, but now that seems unlikely.

Of course, you are wondering, what is so bad about this date? Sure, dating is Hell, but this is just normal bad date territory. Usually, what makes dates bad is that they are boring. You are forced out of politeness to spend a fair amount of time (usually at least 2 hours) with someone you may not like at all or only like a little and often find boring. He may or may not feel the same way about you (probably better if he does, because it can end that much faster), but regardless you are stuck. I agree that up to this point this was a just normal, average, boring bad date. But it gets better....

He is driving towards my house, but we are still about five miles away. I say, "You really aren't listening to anything I say." It's what I was thinking, but as soon as I say it I know it was a mistake. I think, 'why can't you keep your thoughts to yourself?'

He says, "I'm listening, I've heard everything you said. It's ok."

I say, "Sorry, sorry, I shouldn't have said that. It's fine."

"So you talk and I'll listen."

I don't talk. There is a pause.

He says, "You are very silent, is something wrong?"

"No. Nothing is wrong."

"What?" He hasn't heard me.

"I'm fine."

"Why are you so silent? Are you upset?"

I say, "I'm not upset, but I will be if you keep asking me that."

"What?" Again, he hasn't heard me. Did I mumble? It's possible.

"Why are you so silent? Are you upset?" He repeats.

Now, I am annoyed. "No, but please stop asking me that." I definitely have an angry tone when I say this.

He pulls the car over.

"Lady you can just get out of the car right now." I think my jaw dropped. "I don't need this fighting on a first date. It's not like we are married or something."

I try to speak, but all that comes out is, "Well, you don't...I think..."

"Just get out. Have a good night. I had a great time. Thank you very much."

"That's a lie. You didn't have a great time."

"Right I didn't." I get out of the car and he leaves me standing on the corner.

Now that, my friends, is a bad date.

Post date analysis
I was left on a corner in Mt. Pleasant, near the border of Adams Morgan (in Washington DC), which was in no way an isolated or dangerous area. I'm familiar with the area so I walked a block and jumped on a bus home. On the bus, I called my friend Diego and, after initially hesitating, I told him what happened. He insisted we meet for a drink and I got off the bus right in front of the bar where we met. We had a drink, I gave him more details, and he scolded me (at least that's how it felt). We agreed the drop off was a power trip. I thought it was designed to humiliate me.

Later, I told my mother about it, leaving out some details. She was FURIOUS. Not because of the insult so much but because of the potential danger he put me in. She said, "You just don't do that!" I agree. I also thought it was bizarre how he'd insisted that he was so nice and polite when he did one of the rudest things imaginable. Kicking someone out of your car is just about the opposite of polite.

For a while, I had this event listed in at least one online dating profile. When I got tired of telling the story, I took it off. Now, it seems pretty funny, but it took quite a while for the sting to wear off.